On the anniversary of the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, AKA the Great Emancipator, Honest Abe, The Liberator, etc., we couldn’t help but notice how hilariously sexual presidential nicknames can be. From Bonny Johnny (John Adams) to The Grim Presence (Andrew Johnson), these nicknames can’t, won’t and don’t stop. 

1. George Washington: ”The American Fabius”
Based on his use of the Fabian military strategy, this pet name makes him sound like he belongs on the cover of a romance novel.

2. John Adams: ”Bonny Johnny”
Even though this name was a tongue-in-cheek reference to Adams’ weight, “bonny” also means attractive. So we’re going with the modern interpretation as, “Hot John.”

3. Thomas Jefferson: ”Long Tom”
The 3rd president was 6’2, thus his nickname. But you know that’s what he called his junk later in life.

4. James Madison: ”His Little Majesty”
The 4th president was 5’4, thus his nickname. But you know that’s what he called his junk later in life.

5. James Monroe: ”The Era of Good Feelings President”
Monroe was all about feelin good, and got this name based on his work to encourage partisan cooperation. He was also known as, “The Last of the Cocked Hats,” but we’re not touching that one.

6: John Quincy Adams: ”Old Man Eloquent”
The second Adams in office got his nickname from his oratory skill, but imagine if he turned that skill elsewhere.

7. Andrew Jackson: “The Old Hero”
This is actually a shortened version of “The Old Hero of New Orleans” for his famed victory in the War of 1812. But like many on this list, you simply have to add, “in the Bedroom” to it for a little sex appeal.

8. Martin Van Buren: “The Careful Dutchman”
The wild-haired Van Buren had almost too many ready-for-innuendo nicknames including, The Red Fox of Kinderhook, The Little Magician, The Enhancer, and Martin Van Ruin. But the best of the bunch goes to the nickname he was given because his first language was Dutch. 

9. William Henry Harrison: “Tippicanoe”
This is another nickname given thanks to a military victory at a battle of the same name. It might not be the steamiest around, but it does make a cute pet name.

10. John Tyler: “Accidental President”
Tyler wasn’t the most popular POTUS in his day, taking office after the death of William Henry Harrison. However there are worse things to be described as in the context of sex.

11. James K. Polk: ”Polk the Purposeful”
The 11th president earned this nickname thanks to his clear four-point plan for what he wanted to achieve in office. It also doubles as a great name for a hilariously efficient lover. 

12. Zachary Taylor: ”Old Rough and Ready”
Nailed it.

13: Millard Fillmore: “The American Louis Philipe”
The man named Millard was compared to French king, Louis Philippe, because of his taste for the finer things, so you know Fillmore was into sexy candlelight dinners. 

14. Franklin Pierce: “Handsome Frank”
Pierce’s nickname is pretty self-explanatory, although it may have been meant to imply that he was nothing but a pretty face. Nonetheless, he could get it.

15. James Buchanan: “The Bachelor President”
Buchanan never married, so he was given a nickname that could double as a Lifetime Original rom-com title.

16. Abraham Lincoln: “Grand Wrestler”
It’s a little known fact that Lincoln was a notable wrestler in his day, earning this overtly-masculine name as a result. Although the modern, Baberaham Lincoln, may be a bit more direct.

17. Andrew Johnson: “The Grim Presence”
Look, there was just nothing sexy about some of these guys, but at least this nickname, given to Johnson thanks to his dour attitude, sounds sort of smoldering. 

18. Ulysses S. Grant: “Unconditional Surrender”
Grant got this name for his uncompromising positions in the Civil War, but this could just as easily double for the title of a Lionel Ritchie song that would make your heart melt.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes: “Old 8 to 7”
That’s how many minutes his lovers could depend on! ZING! (But really he got this name from the scandalous election that put him in office.)

20. James A. Garfield: ”The Canal Boy”
Sure, Garfield got this name due to his work on the Ohio River as a boy, but lets just imagine it’s implying something closer to a free-spirited cabana boy. 

21. Chester A. Arthur: “Gentleman Boss”
Step back, 50 Shades of Grey. The 21st president, known for his delicate tastes and elegant demeanor, was the original gentleman BOSS.

22. Grover Cleveland: “Uncle Jumbo”
Nuff said. Also, gross.

23. Benjamin Harrison: “The Human Iceberg”
Anyone looking for that cold, distant partner need look no further than our 23rd President, who was so unpleasant to talk to, it became his nickname.

24. William McKinley: ”Wobbly Willie”
Maybe he drank too much? 

25. Theodore Roosevelt: ”The Rough Rider”
A name given to him thanks to his famed calvary unit, we’re gonna leave this one alone too. And before anyone thinks this nickname makes him marriage material, note that another of his nicknames was, The Trust-Buster. 

26. William Taft: ”Sleeping Beauty”
Taft was known for being somewhat overweight, and regrettably, most of his nicknames revolved around this. This nickname was given to him thanks to his habit of falling asleep all the time. So let’s just say he was a cuddler. 

27. Woodrow Wilson: ”The Schoolmaster”
Hot for teacher? America wasn’t, and the bookish Wilson only barely got reelected on the platform of, “He kept us out of war.” Of course we then promptly entered World War I.

28. Warren G. Harding: ”Wobbly Warren”
Another heavy drinker? Nah, just another indecisive president.

29. Calvin Coolidge: “Cool Cal”
Yikes. With a slick name like that, its a good thing sunglasses weren’t widely available in Coolidge’s day. He would have been irresistible.

 

30. Herbert Hoover: ”The Man of Great Heart”
Herbert Hoover: Boyfriend Material.    

31. Franklin D. Roosevelt: ”The Sphinx”
Mysterious. Cat-like. Possibly a dashing secret agent? Unfortunately none of these apply to FDR, who got this name by acting cagey about running for a third term.

32. Harry S. Truman: “The Haberdasher”
Truman could make his own hats. He even owned a haberdashery briefly. That’s surefire Tinder detail.

33. Dwight D. Eisenhower: “Kansas Cyclone”
Ike got this nickname from his days playing football. But this also sounds like something everyone should try at least once with a trusted partner. 

34. John F. Kennedy: “Crash Kennedy”
As though the sexiest president needed a cool nickname, he received this moniker after he crashed a pleasure boat into a dock. Classic Kennedy. 

35. Lyndon B. Johnson: “Uncle Cornpone”
Poor Lyndon B. Johnson. The Texas-born president got this insulting name from the Kennedys, who were mocking him. Nickname-wise, Johnson may be the least sexy president.

36: Richard M. Nixon: ”Tricky Dick”
Natch.

37. Gerald R. Ford: ”Mr. Nice Guy”
Nice guys are sexy.

38. Jimmy Carter: ”Cousin Hot”
This one is a little weird. It was innocently given to Carter by his cousin, whose memoir was entitled, Cousin Beedie and Cousin Hot. Still rings a little like a controversial foreign film.

39. Ronald Reagan: “The Great Communicator”
Boyfriend Material 2: The Reagan Years.

40. George H. Bush: “Papa Bush”
Creepy? Yes. But hey, maybe some people are into that sort of parental dynamic.

41. Bill Clinton: “Slick Willie”
Shockingly this nickname was given to him early in his career, and has nothing to do with the sex scandal that would mar his presidency. But let’s pretend it does anyway. 

42. George W. Bush: ”Bush 2.0” 
About the only way this president could be considered sexy is if he was some sort of pleasure-bot. So this digital nickname wins. 

43. Barack Obama: “No Drama Obama”
Possibly the sexiest name on this list is the current POTUS’ sing-song nickname. Because nothing says a good night, like one with no drama.